Sympathy and funeral flowers in New Zealand: what to send, where and what to write
Written by Henry Smith · Reviewed by Smiths Insurance & KiwiSaver, licensed Financial Advice Provider (FSP712931) · Updated 2026-10-20 · Reviewed annually, or sooner if the rules it describes change.
Funeral flower etiquette in New Zealand starts with the family's wishes, not a fixed rule. Read the death notice first: it will say whether flowers are welcome, where to send them, or whether the family would rather have donations. If it says nothing, ask the funeral director named in the notice, or someone close to the family. Plain, short, personal card messages are always acceptable.
Sympathy flowers are flowers sent to show care for a bereaved family, either to the funeral or to the family's home. This page is for the guest: what to send, how to find out what the family wants, what to write on the card, and what to do when the family asks for something else. If you are the one arranging flowers for the funeral, with costs and the options for the casket, see our companion guide to funeral flowers and casket sprays.
Start with the family's wishes
Families make different choices, and they are entitled to. Community Law's guidance for people arranging a funeral lists, among the things a family may need to do, "letting people know if the deceased wanted any donations to go to a particular charity (instead of bringing flowers for example)" (Community Law: Funerals and tangihanga). So the order to check, before you spend any money, is:
The death notice. It may say "flowers welcome", "no flowers by request", "donations to" a named charity, or give a family contact.
The funeral director's website or a phone call. The director organises flowers for many families (Community Law lists flowers and catering among what a funeral director can take care of), so the staff may know what the family has asked for.
A relative or close friend of the family. If you are unsure, ask them rather than the grieving person directly.
If the wishes are unclear and you cannot ask, a card on its own is a safe choice. It cannot be too much and it does not need to be arranged around a service.
Where to send flowers
Use the delivery address the family gives. In practice that is one of three places, and the notice or the funeral director will tell you which:
The funeral director or the venue, for flowers that are to be placed at the service. Ask the director for the right time and name to send them under.
The family's home, for a bouquet meant for the household rather than the service.
Nowhere, if the notice asks for no flowers.
Casket arrangements are often chosen by the family with the funeral director. Unless the notice invites guests to send one, ask the director before ordering something meant for the casket. A smaller sympathy arrangement or a posy is the natural choice for guests.
If you cannot attend, the family may be livestreaming; the notice will say so (see our guide to funeral livestreams). A card or a message is a way to take part from a distance.
When the family asks for donations instead
"In lieu of flowers" means the family would like a gift to a cause instead of flowers. Follow it, and use the name and details they give. Two other forms of giving are also part of New Zealand funeral life:
A charity chosen by the person who died. The notice names it.
Help with funeral costs. FDANZ notes that some families raise money through GiveALittle campaigns, and that charities such as the Salvation Army can offer support (FDANZ: Funeral costs and financial support). If the family has set up a fundraiser, a donation there may help more than flowers would.
What to write on the card
Good card messages are short, warm and specific. Some examples to adapt:
"Thinking of you all. [Name] made every room a better place."
"I am so sorry for your loss. I will always remember [a specific kindness or memory]."
"With love and sympathy from all of us at [workplace or street]."
"No need to reply. We are here whenever you need us."
"[Name] was a good friend to me. I am sorry she has gone."
Sign with your name, not just a group, so the family can thank you later. Avoid trying to explain the death, offering religious comfort the family has not asked for, or promising help you cannot give. Say there is no need to reply, so the family does not feel they must.
Customs that are not yours: tangihanga and other communities
A tangihanga is the enduring Māori ceremony for mourning someone who has died. A tangi often takes three days and is usually held on a marae, though it can be held in a hall or a private home (Te Ara: Tangihanga, death customs); practices differ between families, iwi and hapū. Community Law notes that Māori may be able to get tangihanga funding from their iwi or from Māori land trusts, and suggests Te Puni Kōkiri or a local marae or Māori church for other sources, and Work and Income names kai for a tangihanga among the funeral expenses it treats as reasonable (Community Law: Funeral and tangihanga costs). Koha is a separate subject from sending flowers; see our koha guide and tangihanga guide. We could not find a national source that sets rules for flowers at a tangihanga or at Pacific funerals, so we do not state one. If you are invited, ask the whānau or someone from the marae what is wanted, and take their lead.
The same applies to any community or faith whose customs you do not know. Say that you want to do the right thing, and ask. People appreciate being asked.
Cost, and who pays
FDANZ's indicative range for flowers as part of a funeral is $200 to $500, one component of a funeral account as at July 2025, which varies by funeral director (FDANZ). We found no sourced national price for a guest's bouquet or sympathy arrangement, so we give none; florists publish their own prices. For the family, flowers are on Work and Income's list of reasonable funeral expenses for the Funeral Grant (Work and Income: reasonable funeral expenses). For other costs see our funeral costs hub and, if you are thinking about how families prepare, what funeral insurance is. Whether the funeral is a burial or a cremation does not change the etiquette; the family decides, as our burial versus cremation guide explains. The buttons below this page lead to Momentum Life's products and are placed after the content, because most readers here are thinking of someone else.
Adviser's view
The safest etiquette is to follow the family's own words: the death notice, the funeral director or someone close to them. Flowers are welcome in many families and unwelcome in others, and some ask for donations or nothing at all. Where a tangihanga or another community's custom applies, ask rather than assume.
Henry Smith, Financial Adviser (FSP1010699). General information, not personalised financial advice.
Cite this page QuoteHub NZ (2026). Funeral Flowers Etiquette NZ: What to Send and Say. www.quotehub.co.nz/guides/when-someone-dies/funeral-flowers-etiquette-nz. Updated 2026-10-20.